


sanctify my body

by yungio



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Catholic Guilt, Creator's block, Family Issues, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, and some time skips, college au? kind of, creators block, idk how to tag it, musician hongjoong, seonghwa is hot af, seonghwa smokes a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:55:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25680190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yungio/pseuds/yungio
Summary: Maybe the biggest struggle in the life of a creator is to find their muse. To find the endless inspiration that would bring their art into life and that would take their breath away with every sight, every word. And once they finally find it, their biggest struggle is to deal with the idea that it was something bigger than their own dreams.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 8
Kudos: 39





	1. hongjoong's block

**Author's Note:**

> hello~~ i'm back from a long hiatus from writing i guess, since i was struggling with writer's block myself. i already have this fic all planned so you don't have to worry, i won't go anywhere! it's going to be 7 chapters long with some flashbacks and eventual time skips but i hope you can all enjoy it ♥

The worst part about creating something new is that you don’t always know where to start.

Hongjoong hated cold nights, but he hated creator’s block even more. The deadline for his composing class was almost knocking at his door and he still had no idea about what he was going to do… It was as if something was lacking in his life. As if he needed to find himself an inspiration, his very own muse.

After deciding to get away from home for a while, he took his coat out of his closet and went through the door, feeling the cold breeze muffling his hair not-so-gently. He started his walk slowly, not interested in rushing through the streets, and decided to explore his own neighborhood while seeking for something that would make him feel something. 

The worst and best part about living in a big city such as this one was that you never really know anyone until you get to know them. Hongjoong was already familiar with half of the people from his street, but that was it - They would say hi to each other in the market and wouldn’t be uncomfortable to ask for a little bit of sugar in the morning, but they would never be seen in each other's house gossiping about" what Miss Jung from across the street was up to while taking their dog for the third walk in the afternoon. It was something to be discussed with the people you lived with at home, but Hongjoong didn’t actually live with anyone besides himself.

“Hongjoongie!” a car started parking right next to him and the driver’s window went down, revealing Yunho, wearing what seemed to be gym clothes and with his usual smiley face glowing with little sweat drops “What are you doing here in the cold? Do you want a ride?”

The boy who lived a few blocks from here, where the streets are nicer and the people are richier, was the closest thing Hongjoong could call a friend in the big city. They studied in the same university and sometimes bumped into each other in the campus, and whenever Yunho passed by him in his car he would offer him a ride with that exact same smile - like it would be his pleasure, like nothing would ever come close to bother him.

“It’s okay, I’m just taking some fresh air and thinking about some stuff” He replied, being purposely vague. He didn't want to admit that he hadn't begun his project yet, remembering all the conversation he previously had with the younger one and how Yunho once claimed that he looked up to him a lot.

It may not seem like it, but Hongjoong is a proud man and student.

“You should come with me to the dance studio next time” Yunho replied, making Hongjoong realise that it was probably where he was coming from “It can really help you to get rid of stress and that kind of stuff. You would like it.”

“I don’t know” He started saying but looking at Yunho’s big puppy eyes he knew there’s no way he could refuse the invitation “We can try it some time…”

“Next week, what do you think?” The younger one asked from inside the car, getting super excited at the same moment and making Hongjoong’s heart warm up inside, despite from the cold “I will pick you up at your house so don’t worry okay?”

“Yunho I don’t think I can afford those classes like that… I will need sometime” He said, apologetic. Yunho's intention was good and Hongjoong knew that, but sometimes the boy forgot that not everyone shared the same economical condition as he did."

“Oh no, you don’t need to worry about that!” He assured Hongjoong, smiling “It’s for free… Kind of. We have classes but we also teach kids so that’s our way of paying! I have to go now but I will text you the details as soon as I get home, okay?” Looking at his phone screen, he rushed and turned his car on again “It’s getting a little late so be careful, right?”

He didn’t have time to answer as his friend left right after finishing his sentence, and to be honest he didn’t mind it. He was always careful and Yunho wasn’t the type of guy to be actually worried about anything unless he had an actual reason for that - and he knew Hongjoong wasn’t a troublesome guy. He was actually the kind of guy that would give his life to stay away from any kind of trouble.

* * *

When people took a walk like that they’d usually put headphones on and listen to music while looking around or something. But Hongjoong didn’t like to do that - He enjoyed listening to the sound of the wind and to hear the slow noises that came from inside each house as he passed them by. The sound of talking and tableware mixed with the scent of food in the air while families had dinner together. It was the smallest things in life that inspired him to create music and sometimes to live as well. 

He was eight blocks away from his house when the bittersweet smell of cigarettes started to fill his lungs. He didn’t know exactly what brand it was, as he was no expert, but he could tell it was a strong one, one he probably wouldn’t be able to handle without coughing his throat out - Even if Hongjoong was an open minded guy, the voices of his parents started to resonate in his head reminding him about the dangers of smoking and how one person could easily become addicted to things like that. 

It was always like this in his head. His own voice telling him about different experiences and how one person would always live differently from another one while his parents were always telling him about ‘the right way to live’ and how only ‘bad people’ would give in to the luxurious sins of life. That being said, one can only imagine what they would say about the temptations of flesh and skin and the sinful act of two men laying with one another.

Hongjoong didn’t have to imagine that. He knew for himself everything they had to say about the issue.

Looking around, he quickly found the source from the smell - and from a lot of smoke too, he was obliged to say. A few meters away from where he was stood a tall man whose face was hidden both by the dark and his long black hair falling as he looked down, taking one more drag off his cigarette and inhaling it deeply before letting more smoke out of his mouth. His clothes were basic and made Hongjoong’s hands itch thinking about all the ways he could reform it and make them cooler, more fitting of the boy’s body - his white t-shirt was too big and his scrapped jeans could be more scrapped. He wanted to colour that boy and make people stare at him just like he was doing right now.

He wondered what the fabric texture would feel like in his hands. Wondered how that strange man would react if he approached him. How he would react if he reached out and touched his hair, pulling it behind and making his face more visible. He wondered what his face looked like from up close, since there was barely nothing to see from where he was standing.

_These things… People like us don’t do it, Hongjoong. You need to understand that._

As his parents voice resonated in his head one last time, he thought maybe he listened too many Hozier songs. Maybe his inspirations were starting to come from all the wrongs places right now, maybe it was his rebel days coming in late, as he never had that ‘phase’, not even as a teenager. But looking at that man, who still hasn’t even recognised his presence, he wanted to create so many things. Not only he wanted to compose new songs but he wanted to paint, he wanted to reform, he wanted to write.

He thought about everything his life could be, but wasn’t. Sometimes things just hit you hard, like right now. Hongjoong was always a creative man, even before he realised what creating was his friends were greeting him for being so good at it. Maybe it was his parents fault, for holding him back for so many years. Maybe it was his fault, for allowing himself to be held back. For spending so many days doing whatever would make others happy instead of thinking about his own happiness. For being always so stubborn and thinking he could make everything on his own.

Earlier, he could have asked Yunho for help. He knew that. But if he did - He wouldn’t be here, would he? He wouldn’t be itching so hard to create like he was right now. Desperation, exhaustion, sweat and sometimes even tears. These were the things that made the creative process so thrilling, so satisfying. Seeing a strange man on the street and thinking about everything he could be without even knowing who he was. What he was doing here. What his name was.

That was Hongjoong’s life. He knew there were many things about it that were wrong - many things he needed to change for his own good. Maybe going there and saying hello to the strange man would be a way of starting. But all he could do was turn his back on him and go back to his house where he locked himself up in his studio for the whole night, finishing his song just in time.

* * *

“Hyung” Mingi called out loud to Hongjoong after class “Your song was really good this week! Congrats!”

“Thanks” He replied, stopping his own legs from walking and waiting for his friend to reach him “Yours was pretty great too, as always. I’m going to the coffee shop to grab something to eat, wanna come along?”

“Sure” Before giving it a thought, Mingi agreed. After what seemed like half a second, he seemed to remember something and added “Hmm… Is Yunho coming along as well?”

“I don’t think so” Hongjoong laughed to himself, realizing that Mingi still thought he was being discreet about his huge crush on Yunho “He mentioned this morning that he was going to be busy with some documents and stuff. I think he’s going to apply to that new dancing project you’re in.”

“Oh… I see” Trying to keep and cool, Mingi didn’t add any other comment. It wasn’t needed, though, as the smile on his face gave it all away. 

Since Hongjoong wasn’t entirely sure if his friend’s crush was reciprocated, he decided to keep it quiet for now. He strongly believed that some things were better when kept on our own imagination and he wanted Mingi to have at least that, for now. It was better than heartbreak and worse than living the dream and if it ever came the day whether one of those things were to happen, it wasn’t up to him to decide that. He could just watch as things unfolded themselves. 

While he thought about dreams and reality, his mind once again travelled to the man he saw yesterday night. Ever since then his mind travelled a lot to that same place - thinking and imagining and dreaming. He could see the smoke again, never touching his skin but also never going too far away so he wouldn’t be able to feel its smell or see its silhouette. He could feel the itching in his hands as he wanted to touch the clothes and feel its texture, wanted to see the face behind that hair, wanted to put light in that spot in the street so he could paint that image in the back of his eyes and every time creator’s block would hit him again, he could come back there without actually coming back.

There was a sinful taste in every thought, almost like the cigarette itself, and if he gave too much attention to it he would feel his throat closing up and his lungs suffocating and his mind going insane with every single word he ever heard from his parents going on and on inside his mind. 

Sometimes, things were better in dreams. That’s what he thought to himself every single day ever since that night. Ever since those hurtful words were marked in his mind and heart and he swore he would never allow himself to hear anything like that, ever again.

“Hyung? Are you listening?” Mingi called him out one more time, getting him out of the madness surrounding his head.

“Oh, I’m sorry” He apologised, scratching his hair and getting embarrassed “I was just thinking about my parents, that’s all.”

“Oh… It’s okay” The tall man seemed to be left speechless, not sure how to react. Hongjoong never brought his parents up, but he knew it was a sensitive topic. Despite his goofy personality, Mingi was actually a really sensitive guy “Are they okay?”

Taking advantage of the fact that they arrived at the coffee shop, Hongjoong took his time to reply as he opened the door and allowed Mingi to go in first “Yeah, yeah. We just haven’t spoken in a while.”

They found an empty table and took their time looking at the menu quietly. Mingi, just like Hongjoong, was only able to attend college thanks to his scholarship, which means they were both already used with being extra careful with how they spent their money. It was okay to spoil themselves once a week after getting good grades or finishing an important project, but they were never able to overstep. At least not when Yunho wasn’t paying - which actually happens a lot of times.

“Do you think about reaching out for them? Or do you think that’s a bad idea?” Mingi didn’t need to explain who he was talking about. Hongjoong knew.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. We weren’t in the best terms before I decided to come to college and we definitely aren’t any better now.”

“Let me guess… Homophobic and traditional family? Or they told you that music isn’t a real career?” 

Hongjoong looked up, surprised. He didn’t keep his sexuality a secret but he never said it out loud as well. Some people would be more discreet when suggesting it, but not Mingi - he wasn’t even suggesting it, to be honest. He was stating it.

Mingi really is way more smarter than he looks.

“You could say that, we were a pretty religious family” He thought a little before saying anything else. He never had the chance to talk to anyone about it, even if he knew he probably needed to - But this wasn’t the time nor place to do so “I can tell you the story some other time… Now is time for celebrating!”

“Okay” Mingi smiled sweetly before looking at the menu again “Just know you can talk to me and to Yunhossi, hyung. You seem lonely sometimes, we worry about you.”

Hongjoong felt his throat closing up and he took a deep breath, trying hard not to cry. He was, indeed, lonely sometimes. Loneliness was easy, was real and he already knew how much pain it would bring him. He couldn’t say that he never had any friends, but he couldn’t say that he ever opened up to anyone as well. He couldn’t say he had someone to go on coffee shops to spend the money they didn’t have and to talk about life and parents and college and about the people they find attractive.

He wondered if Mingi would understand what he felt when he saw that guy last night. Maybe he would try to tell him some other day.

That was his life now. Finally changing. Finally moving, even when he didn’t realise it was. Moving up from his seat, he smiled at Mingi and gave him encouraging nod towards the balcony indicating that he was ready to order.

His smile faded in the exact same moment he saw the person standing in the balcony, though.


	2. seonghwa's sister

“If you really want to look pretty, you need to stay still” Seonghwa warned his sister one last time before pulling her hair once again, trying to make it look like the hairstyle from the picture she just showed him.

Bouncing back and forth in front of the mirror, sitting in a little chair didn’t let her feet touch the ground, was Sunhee. Unlike Seonghwa, who was always tall for his age, she was a tiny little figure who no one but their family would believe to be turning 8 years old today. 

“I’m standing still! I promise I am!” She cried out loud, jumping in her chair “Please, Hwa!”

He smiled looking at the reflection of his sister in the mirror, knowing that even if she got up and started jumping around the room, he’d still try to finish her hair. In fact, no matter what happened, he’d still do anything she asked him to.

“Don’t worry, I’m gonna make you look like a princess today” He assured her, arranging her hair in the best way he could. After finishing it up, he opened one of the drawers of her dresser and took out something he brought a few weeks ago - a little pot of pink glitter and some shiny hair accessories. When Sunhee saw what her brother was holding, he gasped in surprise. He kneeled in front of her chair with a sweet smile in his lips.

“Close your eyes, okay?” He asked gently, receiving a nod in return and a smile while Sunhee did as he requested “Trust your big brother with this.”

While he carefully spread the glitter through her hair and applied some of it in her face with a always so delicate touch, he thought with little surprise and much disgust that their father once again neglected her birthday. Seonghwa already had it coming, though, and that was the main reason he worked so hard in the past few weeks - taking extra shifts in his job, looking out for the perfect dress he knew she would love to wear, trying to find new ways to make her birthday a happy day, unlike her last one.

“Okay, you can look now” He got up and out of her way, giving Sunhee full access to the mirror while she carefully examined her face, her fingers always almost touching her skin as if she was scared to ruin it “Do you like it, Hee? If you don’t, we have enough time to fix it.”

“Hwa” The tone of her voice was tiny, almost as if she was going to cry “I don’t think I look like a princess” Worried that she didn’t like it, he came up quickly to her side and touched her hair gently, ready to undo it “No, no, no! It’s pretty. It’s just.... I look like a fairy.”

“Do you like fairies?” Seonghwa asked and Sunhee started nodding quickly, reassuring him that it was okay “Then why does it look like you’re about to cry?”

“Because I miss mom” She said simply, with a honesty that could only come from a child in such a fragile state. It made Seonghwa heart twist in his chest - Not only because he missed their mother too, but because it was something he could never fix for her. It wasn’t something that could be replaced with pink dresses or taking her to McDonald’s once a month. There would never be enough shifts he could get or money he could raise to make her pain go away “And because dad didn't’ remember. I don’t think that’s how fairies live. I don’t think I’m a fairy, Hwa. Or a princess.”

“That’s absolutely ridiculous, Sunhee. You’re my Tinker Bell” He smiled at her, not knowing what else he could do besides being there. Besides being her brother, and sometimes her father and always, always, her friend “I don’t think I can live a day without seeing you running around this house with your ugly pink crocs. They’re like your bells - but instead of  _ ring _ , they  _ croc croc croc _ ” While saying that, he tickled her belly until her tears escaped with the sound of her laugh.

“You’re not Peter Pan, though” She warned him, showing off her tongue and running away from her older brother “He is too handsome and nice to be compared to you!” 

“Now you come here…!” He laughed and chased after her, picking Sunhee up and taking her downstairs “I should undo you hair and wash this glitter out of your face! You don’t deserve it.”

They were ready to go out when their father finally got home, smelling like alcohol as he always did ever since their mom passed away. Actually, if Seonghwa had to be honest, ever since a little before that happened.

“Where do you two think you’re going?” He asked in a rude manner, making his son doubt he was actually sober. Most of the days, he would at least have the decency to be when he got home.

“Dad!” Sunhee smiled from ear to ear. She was too young to notice the smell of alcohol from the other side of the room and still too naive, too desperate for the affection of her parents, to know that he didn’t get home earlier than usual to celebrate with them “Are you coming with us?”

“I asked where do you think you’re going, Seonghwa” He ignored Sunhee, as he usually did, and spoke directly to his older son “I already told you, you can’t take Sunhee without talking to me first.”

“You’re never home, anyway” He didn’t answer on purpose, letting all of the anger and disapproval out in his voice “Do you even know what day is today? Do you remember to keep track on that while you’re old drinking with our mother’s money?”

“You better watch out, kid. I’m still your father, I don’t care how old you are, you have to treat me with respect.” If it was supposed to be a threat, it didn’t sound like one. His voice was too embargoed with all the alcohol he consumed that day but Seonghwa could see his mind slowly working, trying to figure out which day it was.

_ I’m still your father. _

No, you’re not.

“It’s… Sunhee’s birthday?” He babbled.

“It is” It was the first time Sunhee spoke ever since Seonghwa confronted their father, her voice small and careful, almost a little scared to be rejected. It made the boy remember what was the reason he was there today as well - not to fight the old man, but to make Sunhee happy. To make this day special for her “Hwa was going to take me to McDonald’s… Do you want to come along?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, kid” Seonghwa was surprised to see that the old man wasn’t going to try to force her to stay home, his voice letting out tiredness and a little pain as well.

“Hey, let’s go okay?” Whispering close to his sister’s ear, Seonghwa’s voice was as gentle as it always was when it came to Sunhee “We can have a little ice cream after that as well.”

Looking up with puffy eyes, trying not to cry again, Sunhee nodded and smiled a little. She was trying to stay happy, probably for her brother’s sake, and that’s what drove Seonghwa even more mad - It was supposed to be her day. She was supposed to be happy for herself. But once again, it all went into pieces thanks to their irresponsible dad.

Being angry now wouldn’t help, though. He buried all those feelings inside his chest, planning to deal with that later, and got out of their old apartment with his little and precious sister in his arms.

* * *

“Come on, just one night! Please, please, PLEASE!” When he got to the last pledge, Wooyoung was almost screaming in Seonghwa’s ear.

The night shift of the Mall’s Store, usually covered by Seonghwa and Wooyoung, was known for having the highest payment and also for being a little dangerous. There wasn’t a lot of people who got out at night to shop for fancy clothing, so all they had to do in fact was to clean up, arrange everything for the next day and assist any extraordinary costumer who decided to go out shopping late at night. Unlike Seonghwa, Wooyoung didn’t have a little sister to treat so he didn’t actually need to take extra shifts, but ever since he was a kid, he dreamed about having a nice life and to be able to buy fancy things to himself and that was the reasons for him to always work extra hard. That and his boyfriend’s birthday approaching, of course.

Since it was saturday and their shift ended at 1 a.m., Wooyoung wanted to go out and know a new club that opened a few blocks away from their job. Seonghwa, of course, wasn’t exactly excited with his friend’s plans. 

“I already told you, I can’t” Seonghwa said for what felt like the hundred time “I don’t have any money left after Sunhee’s birthday.”

“I already told you, I can lend you the money” Wooyoung imitated his friend, being purposefully irritating “You need to live more, Hwa! Have fun, at least for one night.”

Noticing the real worries behind his friend’s voice, Seonghwa turned around and put down the shirts he was folding to take a look at Wooyoung. He was wearing their monochromatic uniform, composed by a simple and loose white shirt and black simple pants - But there was something in the way Wooyoung wore it that made it look way better than it did on Seonghwa. Maybe it was something about attitude and confidence, about being proud of yourself and your own body. Maybe it was something that made people who knew what wanted shine way more brighter than the others, than normal people.

Even if it’s not what it seems like, Seonghwa didn’t hate himself or his life. And maybe he didn’t even hate his father. But he hated his endless search for freedom, his search for purpose - Everyday was the same, but everyday was different. There were days when he was only able to do so much and there were days when a boost of energy would take over his body and he would feel invincible. 

And there were days when he was numb. When he let his life drive himself in the automatic while he waited for things to unfold on their own.

Today was one of those days again.

“I just want to be alone for a little while, Wooyoung” He said frankly, not wanting his friend to take it the wrong way “I promise you some other day I’ll go with you and San, but today… I’m not feeling like it.”

“Okay, okay” After getting a honest answer, Wooyoung finally gave up, allowing his coworker to start folding shirts again “How was Hee’s birthday? Were you able to apply the glitter by yourself?”

“Of course I was” Seonghwa replied, pretending he and Wooyoung didn’t spend days practicing on San’s eyes before finally being able to make it look presentable “She loved it… My father showed up, though.”

The story between Seonghwa and his father wasn’t a secret for any of his friends. Actually, they all helped him in the past when the nights were too long and the smell of alcohol wouldn’t allow him to sleep - he would jump from the window of his own room and jump into Wooyoung’s or Yeosang’s without further warning and never needing to give any explanation. They all knew and they all loved him and would do anything to give their friend a little peace and quiet. 

“Oh boy” The younger gasped, already waiting for the worst “And what happened? Did you two fight again?”

“Almost… If Sunhee wasn’t there, we probably would have. Anyway, he didn’t do anything as far as I’m concerned” After folding all the shirts and organizing it by color, like he knew their boss liked it, he started to stretch his arms “I just hate it… I hate to leave her alone. And I’m always wondering if there’s something going on there, if he’s taking care of her well… Sometimes I go there to smoke one cigarette or two next to the door, waiting to see what time he’s getting home. To see if he’s sober when he gets there.”

“That’s…” There were only a couple of times when Seonghwa has seen Wooyoung speechless. That was one of those times. He was probably thinking about all those things he could say to comfort his friends, and probably discarding one by one knowing that any of that could actually heal the pain in his hyungs heart. That was something that would always be there, a burden he would have to carry with him as long as he lived.

“It’s okay” The older one comforted him, knowing all that was going on in Wooyoung’s head. He carried all of those thoughts with him all the time, knowing that he would never be truly alone “I know. It’s okay.”

“I just want you to remember you’re not her father” He said at last “You’re 23 years old. You’re not anyone’s father, as far as I’m concerned.”

“I absolutely am not.”

They laughed together and continued to chat as the night went on until their shift ended. Wooyoung waved goodbye to his childhood friend and went his way, going to meet his boyfriend San and his friends from the dance classes he was taking and then straight to the club he was so excited to meet. 

As for Seonghwa, he took his way to that same corner he was already too used to.


	3. Hongjoong's ex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo for my fellow staytinys, bang chan made a surprise appearence today ヽ(＾Д＾)ﾉ
> 
> this chapter is a bit longer than the previous ones, but the story is finally going to start to developt itself! i hope you can enjoy it!

Hongjoong’s mind was all over the place ever since he saw Chris working at the coffee shop last week. He never expected to have him so close again, to be able to talk things out without the fear of being seen - Something that could only be so dangerous in a small city such as the one they came from. After getting over his shock and inviting him to have breakfast together, he moved on with his life counting down the days until it finally arrived. Sitting at the table of the same coffee shop and waiting for his ex to arrive, he realised that today, after so many years, he would have the chance to talk about everything that happened years ago.

Christopher was as beautiful as Hongjoong could remember. His brown eyes brought him a nostalgic bittersweet feeling - So many good memories but also so many unfortunate events. Back then, they were one and the same, so equal and always synchronized and it made Hongjoong’s heart feel scared and at ease at the same time. He always knew things wouldn’t work out between the two of them, not only because of his family, but also because in one relationship two must have their differences and disagreements and sometimes it felt like they didn’t have any.

“You still have that same look” A sudden voice interrupted his thoughts, and Hongjoong didn’t have to look to know it was Chris “But people like us always have that look on our faces, I guess. Long time no see, Joong.”

“You’re literally the only person in the world who calls me Joong” Hongjoong replied with a smile and gestured at the chair in front of him as an invitation “Long time no see.”

“And you’re literally the only person who doesn’t call me by my last name” Chris shoot back.

“Yeah, I’m not gonna call my ex  _ Bang _ . Sorry.” 

They both started to laugh, feeling the tension - that was already so little - fade away from their shoulders. For most of the people it could be so weird to meet with your ex years later, especially given the circumstances of their breakup, but it was never like that for Hongjoong and Chris. They were the same piece of a difficult puzzle, they were best friends before anything else, and they would always make the hardest effort to understand each other.

“It’s been a while” Hongjoong said when their laugh stopped “How are you doing?”

“I’m… Fine, actually” Christopher took a while to reply, as if he was measuring his life to give the most precise answer “I’ve only been in town for a few weeks, to be honest. I didn’t expect to run into you so soon.”

“It looks so big here, compared to our hometown” Hongjoong commented “But it’s actually the same everywhere. Every street you cross, there’s a familiar face.”

“Yeah” Chris laughed softly.

_ He always laughs so easily _ , Hongjoong thought to himself,  _ that’s good.  _

“What about you?” Bang’s brown eyes fixed themselves on Hongjoong’s, worried “You were the talk of the town when you left your parents house.”

“When wasn’t I the talk of the town, though” Hongjoong muttered to himself “I’m keeping it up. I’ve been doing a couple of freelancer jobs like playing in clubs and stuff… But it’s hard to associate it with college. But it’s still better than it was with my parents, so it’s okay.”

“Bro… Anything is better than it was with your parents. But it’s good to see you like this, you seem lighter. Like you’re finding yourself and some of that deep stuff.” 

“Are we seriously calling each other  _ bro _ now?” Hongjoong asked, disgusted. 

“What? You want us to call each other ‘dear ex’ or something?” Chris replied, kneading a napkin and throwing it on Hongjoong’s face.

“Nah. Joong and Chris seem fine to me.” 

Hongjoong threw the napkin back and smiled. Leaving the important talk for later, they started discussing what they should order for breakfast. While Hongjoong likes to eat light and sweet things in the morning, such as an iced cappuccino and maybe a piece of bread, Chris had a different taste for food. He was the kind of person that would be more than happy with a plate of food right in the morning and a cup of soda right after.

“You really should take it easy and stop drinking Coke at 9 a.m.” Hongjoong warned him “I’m saying it for your own good!”

“Oh, please. What’s the difference between drinking it now and drinking it later?” As if he was trying to prove his own point, Chris took a sip of soda from his cup “See? I’m still alive.” 

“I’m not saying you’re going to  _ die _ , stop being so dramatic. Anyway… Where are you living?”

“A few blocks away, I’m sharing an apartment with my girlfriend” He said, almost casually but finally giving an opening to the conversation they were longing to have.

“Oh, so you’re seeing someone?” Hongjoong asked, not surprised. Chris was never the kind of man to be alone - on the contrary, there were always people around him, admiring him, watching his every step with affection and sometimes adoration “Living with someone, I mean.” 

“We’re not even together for a long time but we both wanted to get out of town. I can introduce you both later! She will love to meet the infamous Kim Hongjoong”

“The  _ infamous _ ” Hongjoong rolled his eyes, trying not to sound annoyed “What did I do to deserve that title, by the way? Kissed the same boy a couple of times?”

“Your parents literally caught us naked in your bed, Joong” Chris pointed out “And you also left the church after that. And got out of town without giving anyone a previous notice.”

“I’m sorry about the last part” He honestly apologised, knowing that he should have tried to reach out to Chris back then “I’m sorry for not talking to you, but I’m not sorry I left. It was just… Messy. Everything. I didn’t think I could get over anything that happened that night, so I just ran away as fast as I could.”

“I know. And even if I was sad and kind of mad at you, I still understood.” Reaching out for Hongjoong’s hand, Chris gave it a tiny squeeze “And it’s okay. Things were always harder for you and I know that.”

“It shouldn’t be like that, thought.” Hongjoong said, frustrated “If my parents were just… Easier, it wouldn’t be like that. I can only imagine the tantrum they threw when I left.” 

“Your parents are your parents. And you are yourself.” Chris said in that wise tone of his, something that Hongjoong didn’t hear for years “It was something you had to deal with when you were living with them, but you are no longer there.”

“It doesn’t mean that I can simply forget about everything that happened.”

They looked into each other's eyes for a long time, remembering that night. Remembering the sound of their laughter and the scent of candles and the view of the sky. All of their senses felt so high in that moment, as if it was the best night of their lives - and back then, it probably was. They talked and kissed and embraced each other for the whole night, being so sure that Hongjoong’s parents would only be back from their seclusion in the next week.

The sound of their screaming and the feeling of his mother strongly pulling him away from Chris was still so fresh in Hongjoong’s mind. If he thought about it for long enough, he would still feel his arm burning from the ache. His eyes wouldn’t be filled with tears today, not as much as they did in the past, but he could still feel the pain.

“You don’t need to forget” Chris replied after a while, pausing a little to choose his next words carefully “Getting over something doesn’t necessarily means forgetting about it. In fact, it rarely does. You just have to live with it and to learn from it. You can’t just stop your life and expect that nothing will happen because it will. And it won’t always be bad, either. I’m sure good stuff has happened to you in the past few years as well.”

Thinking about it, Hongjoong knew that it was true. He met a bunch of amazing people, such as Mingi and Yunho, and he had the chance to learn so many new things - not only about music, but about life itself. What it was like to live on his own and to have so much space in his mind that belonged to no one but him. To be able to search and pursue the things that made him want to live. That made him want to create.

“You’re probably right” Hongjoong said after a while, smiling weakly “But that won’t make me forgive you for calling me bro. Nothing will ever make up for that.”

* * *

**[Yunho]**

Hyung, I’m waiting for you at the door.

**[Hongjoong]**

Sorry, can you wait five minutes?

**[Yunho]**

Sure, no need to hurry!

Taking a final look at his apartment, Hongjoong concluded that everything was in place and nodded to himself. After meeting Chris he went straight home and started to organise his stuff, taking a look at the few family pictures he decided to bring with him to his new home. House. Place. He still didn’t know what exactly to call the apartment he was living in, but still… It was better than nothing. Better than before.

Also, today he had finally agreed to go with Yunho to the dance classes he talked so much about. He knew it was going to be fun anyways, it always was when they were in each other’s company. Yunho also said that he and Mingi were going out later with some friends and invited him, and even though Hongjoong said no when they first mentioned it, he was starting to think that maybe it was a good idea. With everything surrounding his mind like it was right now, a night off seemed like a wonderful idea.

He was already familiar with the nocturne life. Not only because he was a nocturne person himself, but also because that’s how he found his way to pay his bills - Doing what he does best and playing music for all kinds of people. Sometimes, he played in some underground bars. Sometimes, he was a DJ in queer clubs. He even played the piano in some fancy restaurants a couple of times, when their regular pianist wasn’t available.

The good thing about growing up in church is that you will probably join the choir and learn to play an instrument or two. In Hongjoong’s case, he loved music so much he learned how to play almost everything that was available in the choir room.

Shaking his head and forcing all those thoughts out, he closed the door and went down the stairs only to find Yunho patiently waiting as he listened to Cavetown in his car. He was wearing gym clothes again, obviously, and Hongjoong felt relieved that Yunho didn’t care about fashion - His clothes were obviously more refined, made out of special fabrics and it fit his body very well. As for Hongjoong’s… They were basic, at most. He could reform them if he wanted, but it seemed silly to put that much effort into a gym outfit. 

“You look nice, Hyung” Yunho said, reinforcing Hongjoong’s thoughts “I hope you like the classes! It would be really fun to spend more time with you.”

“I’m sure it will be fun” Putting his seatbelt on, Hongjoong replied “Is Mingi coming as well?”

“Actually I think he’s already there.” Yunho turned the car on, smoothly getting out of the parking lot “He always arrives earlier with San, one of those friends we told you about.”

“Oh yeah, I remember. Are you still going out tonight?”

He didn’t try to hide his interest. And he knew that Yunho wouldn’t mind it either, very much the contrary - He was always excited to spend time with Hongjoong, always trying to bring him along wherever he went and even when he respected his friend’s space, he never gave up on inviting him for every single program. 

“We will! Did you change your mind?” He asked excitedly. 

“I think so… I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with some stuff.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Yunho gave him a worried side look “You can always count on me, Hyung. You know that.”

“I do… We can talk about it later, when I get my head in place.” Hongjoong assured him, feeling grateful for the wonderful friends he made in this city. 

Yunho nodded, staying quiet and keeping the car comfortably silent with only Cavetown as a background soundtrack. It felt good, and warm, and like home. 

It made Hongjoong think that maybe home isn't a place. Maybe it was just a feeling, like sitting comfortably with one of your best friends and listening to good music. Like sitting in the passenger seat as someone drove a car smoothly through the streets, not having to think about anything that wasn’t the view of the windows. He could get used to this feeling.

When they arrived at the said school, Mingi was already there as Yunho predicted. He was standing in the middle of the sidewalk and talking with two other guys that Hongjoong didn’t recognize - Probably the friends they talked about so much. One of them had a slim body and black long hair, his voice so loud that could be heard from where Hongjoong was standing a few meters away. He was clinging to the other guy, who had a strong body and a sharp face that gave him an intimidating air that was broken in the instant he smiled and the small dimples in his cheeks started showing off. As Yunho and Hongjoong got closer, Mingi started to laugh nonstop about something the clingy guy just said. 

“Oh, look” The sharp guy said, noticing their approach “It’s Yunho and… Is that Hongjoong, the one you always talk about?” He turned his head toward Mingi, asking.

“It is!” Mingi replied happily, waving to his friends “Guys, this is Hongjoong. Hyung, these are San and Wooyoung.”

The sharp guy, San, smiled from ear to ear and waved hello. Wooyoung, on the other side, stepped away from the other guy and came closer to Hongjoong, giving him a handshake.

“Hi!” He said in a loud voice, smiling “I’m glad you’re finally joining us! The boys always talk a lot about you.”

“They talk a lot about you, too” Hongjoong replied timidly, trying to get used to Wooyoung’s bursting energy. 

It wasn’t bad, though. Even while he was feeling shy, Wooyoung made him feel like his words were actually honest - That boy that he only knew for a few seconds was genuinely happy to get to know him and to have him on his team. It was a reassuring feeling and made Hongjoong even more excited to take the classes, forgetting about all those thoughts that were surrounding his head just a few moments ago. 

They went inside the building and for the first time in his life Hongjoong saw what a real dance practice room looked like - The walls covered by mirrors and bars for stretching, the floor that felt so steady and comfortable in their feets. He wasn’t a dancer, not even close to that, but in the few times he accompanied Yunho or Mingi to their practices in the Uni, it never felt like anything like this. 

“Are you ready?” Yunho asked with a smile, noticing how Hongjoong’s eyes were shining while looking at the room.

“I hope I am.”

* * *

The class wasn’t difficult at all. It wasn’t made to be, since they were going to use it to teach kids a week later - Hongjoong learned that’s how it worked. This week, they would learn a new choreography or dance move. One week later, they visited an orphanage that was nearby and played around with the kids, teaching them how to dance and eating a meal together with them afterwards. 

It felt good. Not only to be able to release the stress and all those things that surrounded his mind, but also to know he was being part of something  _ good _ . That he was taking, but he was going to give so much more in the next week. He had the chance to make someone happy even if just for one day, and that alone was as fulfilling as it could be. 

He knew how lonely it could be sometimes to think that you have no parents. Or to ask yourself if you ever did something wrong to end up being apart for them. That wasn’t a feeling that just went away with the time - Like Chris said earlier, it was something you have to learn to live with. 

Once the class ended, the four guys reunited in front of the building again.

“Are you coming with us tonight?” San asked, looking at Hongjoong. The question made Yunho and Mingi’s eyes turn in his direction in the same minute, excited. 

Dancing took more energy from his body than he anticipated, but it was not something bad. It made his head feel lighter and his feelings less buderning. If he just went straight home, took a bath and laid down for some hours, he was sure that he would feel more than okay in the morning.

But that would also mean he gave up on another opportunity to enjoy the life he had on his hands. And someone can only get better if they try to do so. 

That’s why he shyly replied “I think I will.”

“Great!” Wooyoung screamed and gave him a quick hug, pulling away while taking his phone from his pocket “I’ll try to convince Seonghwa and Yeosang to come out of their cave as well.”

Hongjoong had no idea who Seonghwa or Yeosang were, but he laughed off anyway. Wooyoung was so effortlessly funny that anyone would laugh about anything he said, even without fully understanding it. 

* * *

Looking at the mirror, Hongjoong tried to reassure himself that he was making the right choice. That he deserved a fun night out, without any professional obligations and with no objective besides having a good time. 

He tried to shut down the voices of his parents in his head once again. Tried to ignore as they told him about the dangers of the night life, about filthy clubs and how they would try to sell you temptations that would only give you a pass straight to hell.

Hongjoong was a hundred percent sure he didn’t even believe in things such as heaven and hell. And that was the main reason he didn’t understand why those same thoughts would still take over his head every time he decided to go out, even when it was for work. He knew his career wasn’t exactly what God expected of him - Maybe if he was a gospel musician, he would feel different. But he absolutely wouldn’t be happy as well. 

He took a final look at his outfit, a pair of reformed jeans decorated with drawings made by himself, a striped sweater that looked like a cropped and a pair of boots he brought to himself a few weeks ago. He changed his earrings to match his clothes and it was all done. It wasn’t perfect, but it made him feel like himself after a long time. 

Once again, Yunho was already waiting for him as punctually as ever. He went down the stairs and closed the door, praying that he was making the right choice. 

If that was the right choice or not, it surely felt like a wild one. There was something about the club chosen by Wooyoung that made him a little dizzy - Like there were too many things happening at once. The lights went up and down in various colours and intensity and the music was good, but it seemed a little too loud for what he was used to. It had a chaotic energy that made him feel crazy, which wasn’t entirely bad once he got used to the feeling. 

Their friends were sitting on a couch near the drinks and there were a few faces Hongjoong wasn’t fully familiar with. A tall blond - Hongjoong was almost certain he was blond by the way the lights reflected on his hair - was sitting between Mingi and San, chatting happily and drinking a glass of something.

The other man… He wasn’t entirely unfamiliar. There was something about his features that reminded Hongjoong of something, probably a celebrity given to the fact that the boy was extremely beautiful. The kind of beauty that would take anyone’s breath away and would make you think twice before coming close to talk to him.

That, obviously, wasn’t Wooyoung’s case. He was avidly talking to him, gesturing in the air and being as loud as ever. He turned away for a second to whisper something in San’s ear and that’s all it took for him to see Yunho and Hongjoong approaching and start to wave excitedly. 

“Hi” Hongjoong said loud enough for everyone in the couch to listen. Yunho followed him, greeting everyone happily and sitting next to Mingi, leaving Hongjoong standing awkwardly in front of everyone before Wooyoung pulled him close. 

“This is Seonghwa” He screamed in Hongjoong’s ear “He’s kind of boring, but I think you two should get along since you both have the same age!”

That being said, he got up and pulled San by his hand, rushing to the dance floor and giving Hongjoong space to sit next to Seonghwa. Given the way Wooyoung introduced both of them and almost forced Hongjoong to initiate a conversation, he found no other choice besides throwing his embarrassment away and trying to talk to Seonghwa. 

You only live once, right. 

“I think I’m going outside,” Seonghwa said before he could think of anything. “Do you want to come along? It would be terrible to talk with all this noise, anyway. 

“Sure” Hongjoong replied, giving Yunho a tiny wave to let him know he was going outside for a second.

It was such a Hongjoong thing to do. He didn’t think twice before agreeing to get up and follow that stupidly good looking man he’d never seen before in his life to the smocking area, even if he doesn’t smoke. 

“Do you mind?” Seonghwa asked, showing him the cigarette pack and leaning on the wall next to them.

“Go ahead” He gestured with his hand saying it was okay.

_ This smell _ , Hongjoong thought,  _ it’s the same one from that night.  _

“So… You know Wooyoung from his dance classes, right?” Seonghwa asked after taking one drag from the cigarette.

The smell was kind of intoxicating to Hongjoong. Not because of its obvious reasons, but because it reminded him of the thrilling adrenaline that only came to him that night. Something an artist from time to time, when they found something so beautiful or so intriguing that would make their hands itchy and their hearts beat faster and faster until it feels like there’s electricity running through their veins. 

He tried hard not to think about the man he saw that night. Not only because it wouldn’t be good for him to fixate on something he knew he would never have or didn’t know if he was going to see again, but also because of the mixed feelings that came with it. 

“Yeah… But it was my first time attending it, to be honest. You two are pretty close, right?”

Seonghwa raised his chin up, looking at the sky and thinking while he took the cigarette to his mouth one more time. It gave Hongjoong a full view of his neck - something that absolutely didn’t help his mind to calm down. In fact, it made it even more agitated, thinking about how it seemed like a painting that came out of its frame, like a fallen angel reaching for one last drag out of it’s cigarette.

The thing about Hongjoong is that ever since he was a teenager boy, he was always very… Well, he was always very gay. Very inspired by random beautiful men he met here and there and that made him feel like life was a melody to be mixed up by his producer hands. To go back and forth and to raise and decrease its volume until it satisfies his imagination. To see a man that looked like a sculpture there, looking up to the sky and thinking about how to properly answer his question - Or maybe thinking about something else entirely different - it made his heart pulse with that same electricity again. 

“I guess you could say that. He’s kind of my best friend, and probably the only reason I even agreed to go out tonight” He replied simply, with a tiny smile in his lips “Not that I’m anti-social or anything. It’s just this kind of party is not my thing.”

“Neither is mine.” Hongjoong replied honestly, relaxing a little and leaning on the wall as well “I just thought it would be nice to do something different from all the usual stuff.”

“And what’s your usual stuff?” Seonghwa asked, opening the pack again and then looking at Hongjoong “Do you want one? I don’t know if you smoke, but since you’re trying different things tonight…”

Hongjoong observed the pack carefully. It’s not like he never smoked a cigarette in his life, it was just… He didn’t know if he was willing to ruin or change the memory he had from that night. But still, it was already changing. Seonghwa was already intertwining in the fragile memories of smoke and that mysterious man, making it a little of his own as well. 

“It can’t hurt, I guess” Hongjoong replied, taking one out of the pack and holding it while Seonghwa lit it up. Almost unconsciously, he sang  _ “Remember when we first met, you said ‘light my cigarette’ _ ”. 

_ “So I lied to my mom and dad, I jumped the fence and ran” _ Much to Hongjoong’s surprise, Seonghwa sang too and smiled at him “It’s okay if you feel like coughing or if you don’t like it. Just throw it in the thrash and we will pretend like it never happened.”

Hongjoong smiled at him and took the cigarette to his mouth, dragging it slowly and feeling it fill his mouth and throat. It didn’t take more than half a minute before he started coughing - He absolutely hated the sensation and was pretty sure that the only good thing about it was to be able to see beautiful men - such as the one standing there and watching him act like a loser - smoking it.

Sometimes sin was indeed a bad thing. That was the case when it came to Hongjoong and cigarettes.

He quickly found the trash can next to them and tossed the cigarette there and then turned away to look at Seonghwa, who seemed to be completely unbothered for five seconds before letting out a small laugh.

“Okay, okay. Sorry. It was funny to watch.” He apologized quickly “No more different stuff for you today. Now tell me about your normal stuff.”

“I’m a musician” Hongjoong replied simply, as if this clarified and defined everything about him “I work wherever someone is willing to hire me and I take music classes.”

“So you’re an artist” Seonghwa replied as simply as Hongjoong did “I’m a literature student. We’re almost the same, except that I’m boring.”

“I think it’s more like... “ Hongjoong tried to think of a way to put his thoughts into words “Art is always so hard to describe for me. Beautiful things are hard to describe. I can always make music about it, or maybe even paint about it, but I can never put into words. I can do music, but I will never be able to do poetry. And if I can’t explain what my art is about, then what’s the point?”

“Well… Art doesn’t have to be explained though.” Seonghwa threw his finished cigarette in the trash can before turning to Hongjoong, a little closer than before, and continued “But art doesn’t have to sound as lonely as you make it. It doesn’t have to be ripped off, it can be complemented. You can read a good book and listen to some music while doing so… In fact, it’s even better like that.” 

Art doesn’t have to be explained. It doesn’t have to feel lonely. It can be complemented. 

Once again, Hongjoong’s hands felt itchy. It wasn’t just the smell of the cigarette or Seonghwa’s words, it was something bigger and greater and stronger. Something that felt similar to what he was doing when he started to reform his clothes - Like taking something that was once so simple and changing and molding it with his own hands until it made it so unique. 

He thought that maybe it wasn’t just the time to reform his life, but also his art. But it was innocent to think that he could treat them separately when both things were already so mixed up he didn’t know where his life started and where his art ended.


	4. the cliff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobia slightly mentioned!

_ 3 months later _

Seonghwa was never a fan of romance movies. Not because of the obvious reasons - It didn’t make him feel needy or because he was tired of the drama, but because it made him too self conscious. Self conscious of his flaws and fears and how complicated his life already was without having to think about another person. Without having to worry about how his already messed up head could make another person feel.

That’s why when Wooyoung invited him to the movies that night, he politely declined the invitation. His friend, of course, wasn’t surprised at all - Not only because he knew Seonghwa despised romance movies but also because it was friday, and there was a specific place the boy always needed to be at fridays. To be more clear, a specific corner in a specific neighborhood that was a little too far away from where Seonghwa shared an apartment with Yeosang.

“Maybe next time” Seonghwa said in a not-so-apologetic tone.

Today, they were surprisingly working at the morning shift. While Wooyoung was responsible for attending the few customers who decided to walk into the store, Seonghwa was handling the money of the cash register, making sure everything was the way it was supposed to be.

“Yeah, yeah” Wooyoung replied in an irritated voice, frustrated “You always say maybe next time, but the  _ last _ time you actually went out with us was when I introduced you to the other boys. And you didn’t even spend actual time with  _ me _ ”

“I was with that friend you introduced me to” Fighting his poor memory, Seonghwa tried to remember the boy’s name “Wojoong?” 

“ _ Hongjoong _ ” His friend corrected him in a harsh tone “You ran away with him and you two didn’t even hook up. If you did, I could actually forgive you. But you probably don’t even remember how to actually kiss a boy.”

“Of course I remember” Seonghwa mumbled, trying not to get annoyed. He knew Wooyoung was doing it with the best of intentions, trying to get him away from his own drama with his father. But of course, it wasn’t the easiest of tasks. 

“I don’t want to upset you, hyung” Wooyoung said “But you know how annoying I can be to get the things I want. And right now the thing I want the most is to see you happy and having a good time, for a change.”

“I’m having a good time as we speak” Closing the register, Seonghwa smiled “There’s nothing that can make me happier than realising that we’re actually keeping the tips we won this week.”

“Really?” Wooyoung’s shrill voice asked happily “There’s nothing missing?”

“No” The older one reassured him “In fact, there’s more money than predicted. Probably a lot of customers dismissed small changes as well.”

“Oh, hyung, that’s really great! Tonight I’m buying popcorn to celebrate” Wooyoung started clapping happily. 

“Fancy” Seonghwa mocked him “I thought San didn’t like popcorn, though.”

“I’m celebrating it for me, not for him.”

The reply was so Wooyoung-ish Seonghwa couldn’t help but laugh. It was always so difficult not to laugh when he was with Wooyoung.

They spent the next hours in silence, enjoying each other’s company. Since it was morning, there were a few customers who would walk into the store and chat with Wooyoung for a few minutes before deciding to buy anything or just say they were just “taking a look”. When things were quiet, Wooyoung took his phone out of pocket and typed a few texts before turning to Seonghwa and asking.

“I’m having lunch with Yeosang today. Do you wanna join us?” 

Even if Yeosang and Seonghwa shared an apartment, they didn’t spend time together as much as they should. Just like everything in his life, Seonghwa's schedule was messed up - Conciliating his visits to his sister, that depended in the absence of their father, his confusing working schedule in the store and college, that was now on a break, he was only home when it was time for sleeping. In those times, Yeosang was usually awake but busy with his gaming, so they didn’t have enough time to talk before Seonghwa was deep asleep in his bedroom.

“Sure” Hearing those words, Wooyoung turned around with a surprised smile on his lips “That would be nice.”

“Nice… Nice!” As he got over the shock, Woo’s smile got wilder “Can I invite San too?”

“Sure” Seonghwa's smile got bigger as he noticed his friends' excitement. “Invite whoever you want, Woo. I won’t ditch on you this time, I promise.”

“Oh dear, of course you won’t. I will drag you with my own arms if I have to.” 

* * *

“Do you guys have any plans for next summer?” Yeosang asked before taking another bite of his chicken.

Seonghwa, Wooyoung and Yeosang were sitting at a small table, sharing a big portion of chicken and talking happily. In the end, San was busy helping Yunho with some essays and wouldn’t be able to join them for their improvised lunch. 

“Me and San were thinking about travelling somewhere” Wooyoung said with his mouth full, not minding about his own lack of manners “Wanna come along?”

“Oh yeah” Seonghwa said in a playful tone “I bet Yeosang’s plans for summer were exactly that. Being trapped with Woosan somewhere, hearing their non stopping giggling and third wheeling your cheesy dates.”

Yeosang did his best not to choke on his own laugh. Wooyoung and San were both their friends, but everyone knew they were everything but reserved about their adoration toward each other - Being with them in a group hangout was one thing, but being alone with them on a trip? That was the definition of nightmare, especially for someone who is single.

“It seems like a once in a lifetime opportunity, Wooyoung, I pass.” Yeosang said in his calm tone, which always made everything even funnier “What about you, Seonghwa?”

“I don’t have any plans.” He replied simply, feeling an aching pain growing inside his chest.

Sometimes, the thing that Seonghwa wanted the most in the world was to be able to do such a thing as small plans. To want, to dream, to plan. To think about the future as something positive. To talk to his friends about those things without feeling like he was pretending it all, like some kind of sick play.

Sometimes, he thought of that. He decided to throw everything to the skies, to forget about how much he missed his mom and about his stupid father. To go away and meet new people and places and study hard, harder than he already does. And then, in the blink of an eye, he thought of Sunhee. About her smile. About her little arms embracing his waist. Her sparkling eyes when she saw something she liked. All those little things about his little sister that made him want to fight for her future with his life. 

All those things that made him forget about himself for a little. Forget his sadness and his anger and his fear of the future. Of losing someone. Of losing himself while forgetting all of those things. He felt like his life was an endless circle, moved by his endless fear of everything that surrounded him. That surrounded being alive. 

Was it such a bad thing to live just for the sake of somebody else? Would he ever be able to live for his own sake as well? Would he be able to spend a month, a year, without going to the corner of that street just to make sure his sister was okay?

Would he ever be able to go to the movies without thinking about how messed up his heart and his head and his life was?

“Maybe we should have our own romantic trip” Yeosang said after a while, taking him out of his trance “Renew our vows as roommates.”

“You two are really annoying” Wooyoung commented “I already regret this lunch thing.”

“That comes from Mrs.  _ Amicus Ad Aras _ ” Yeosang shot back “The only reason you regret it is because your boyfriend ditched you for his new best friend.”

“That’s ridiculous. I’m his best friend. And boyfriend.” He paused dramatically only to finally add “I’m his everything.”

“You’re also very humble.” Seonghwa observed, making Yeosang laugh. 

“But seriously, Hwa...We should plan something! We barely see each other at home.” The blonde insisted, his sharp eyes trying to read Seonghwa’s face.

“You should just give up, Yeosang” Wooyoung interrupted before anyone started to feel uncomfortable “Really, it’s almost impossible to convince him to make  _ any _ plans. Especially when it comes to travelling.” 

“It shouldn’t be like that” Kang insisted “Your world shouldn’t revolve around your sister.”

One of the things Seonghwa liked the most about Yeosang was his honesty. He would never lie, and unless the situation asked for it he avoided going around before saying what needed to be said. Of course it’s easy to admire something when you see it from afar, but when it comes to listening to it yourself… It could be a little hard to swallow. 

“You don’t understand” With his throat feeling drier and drier at each second, he took his glass of water and drank it.

“I really don’t” Yeosang didn’t see the stop sign written all over Seonghwa’s face. Or maybe he did see it, but chose to ignore it. “You deserve a life of your own. I’m not saying you should never see your sister again, Seonghwa. The only thing I want to say is… You deserve to make plans too. You’re way too young to put all this responsibility in your shoulders.”

“Can you please stop… Pressuring me?” Suddenly, Seonghwa exploded. His mind was already dizzy from his early thoughts and this… It was only making everything worse “I know you mean well and I’m not mad. I’m really not. But I can’t leave her alone… I can’t. She’s a child… Only a child. And you can’t tell me nothing will happen if I go away for a day or two. You have no way of knowing that.”

There was something in his voice that made Yeosang stay quiet, letting his friends feelings sink in. They’ve known each other for long enough to know how each other worked - How they felt, how they got over things, how they liked to be treated in this kind of situation. Yeosang and Wooyoung were the only two people Seonghwa allowed to come and see him when his mother died. They spent a week with him, grieving and crying and speaking only when necessary. When they went away, Seonghwa texted them with a simple and plain ‘Thank you’. 

They didn’t need any other words. They never did. 

“I’m sorry” Once Seonghwa calmed down, Yeosang immediately apologized “I just want what is best for you… Always. We don’t need to travel, but we absolutely should have some bonding time. I miss you, Hwa.”

“You don’t need to apologize” Seonghwa said “You only told the truth. But recognizing it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.”

“It’s okay. Not everyone is as wise as our great Yeosang.” After a long silence Wooyoung finally spoke, taking a smile from everyone’s lips.

“That’s true” Yeosang agreed “I’m not like any of you, ordinary people. I was born for greatness.”

Seonghwa was sure that Yeosang didn’t say all he wanted to say. He was sure they’d still have that same conversation over and over again for a few years, but for today… It was already enough. It was enough to know that he had a few good and dear friends that would always remind him of all those things when he needed to hear it. It was enough to know that he would always have loud Wooyoung and sharp Yeosang right by his side. 

* * *

It was very simple to think that he would forget about everything Yeosang said to him at lunch. What wasn’t simple, on the other side, was to actually forget it.

During the whole day Seonghwa’s head was spinning as he was starting to feel more and more anxious to go and check on his little sister. Friday’s were usually… hard for their family. And with that, it means that it was usually the day his father went out to drink and come back when the sun was already rising. 

When the sun finally set and the clock struck 9 p.m. Seonghwa was already in the corner of his family’s house. Looking through the window, he saw Sooyoung, the babysitter, sitting on the couch watching some drama on TV while Sunhee was laying on the ground with a lot of colorful pencils spread around her and holding a piece of paper with her tiny and chubby hands, carefully painting it with a red pencil. 

He thought about knocking on the door. That idea was always so tempting to him - to just enter this house, a house that was supposed to be his as well, and spend some time with the person that mattered the most to him. But he was no fool - Sooyoung was completely aware of his bad relationship with his father, and she definitely wasn’t on Seonghwa’s side.

It was very easy for people who didn’t actually know his father as he did to believe that he was some kind of angel, a gentle soul that could never hurt a bee. There was a little bit of truth in that - He was indeed a gentle man, a devoted history teacher and once, he was a very present father. But when he lost his wife… He started to miss church every sunday. He was often seen in bars, drinking more than he probably should. He was barely able to keep his own job. He needed to know he had help, that’s what the people of the neighborhood would say. He needed to know he wasn’t alone.

_ That gay son of his was already enough. _

Seonghwa didn’t mind those comments. But he did mind the way they treated him. He did mind that his father didn’t stand up for him like his mother used to. He did mind that suddenly, he was  _ a bad influence _ to his own sister. That was the main reason that, before things got worse and his father started to show signs of actual alcoholism, he moved away to live with Yeosang. 

And then, when he noticed, there he was. Standing in a dark corner next to his house, trying to remain unnoticed while watching his father’s house, the house he could never come back to. The house where his little sister lived, being taken care of by people who would make her think that her brother was some kind of deprived man who decided to take the wrong path.

He lit up his cigarette, looking up at the stars and taking a deep breath before taking the first drag. His heart was heavy today, heavier than usual, and he felt as if his hands could start to shake at any minute - Like he was standing on a cliff, choosing either he should jump in all those complicated feelings of his or just turn his back at it and try to move on with his life.

He didn’t have to make a choice, though. A little figure approaching the corner caught his eye, and he frowned when he recognized the person coming at his direction.

The name Wooyoung said earlier crossed his mind “...Hongjoong? Is that you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOOO... This fic is going to be a little longer than I expected. It was originally made to be 7 chapters long, but I don't want to hush things even more, so I added some! Hopefully it will stay like that.
> 
> I apologize for any grammar mistakes~ I'd like to remind you that english isn't my mother language. Also, if you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to talk to me!


	5. sketch

When Hongjoong spotted that same silhouette he saw a couple of months ago standing in the same corner, his heart seemed to stop for a while. Even though he couldn’t see clearly from where he was standing there was something about the way the man’s shoulders were moving up and down, probably because of the way he was breathing, that reminded him of how felines got ready before attacking their preys - How they were always waiting calmly for the perfect opportunity to strike.

But unlike those videos - and unlike the last time he saw him - the man was ignoring his surroundings, looking up to the sky in a way that reminded Hongjoong of… Well, of himself. Of those lost nights, just like this one, where he got out of his little apartment looking for somewhere that would make him feel like belonging. That would make him feel that he was actually going somewhere when he decided to go out. 

Paying attention to his features, there was something about the man’s face that was surprisingly familiar to Hongjoong, although he wasn’t sure where from standing as far away as he was. 

The thought of coming just a little closer and try to certify that he had seen that man somewhere else occurred to him and before he could even think about stopping himself, he went one step closer and felt his whole body be filled with electricity as the man’s face turned to look at his direction. 

“...Hongjoong? Is that you?” A deep voice, a familiar voice, reached his ears.

“Oh…” Hongjoong exclaimed, surprised.

The same corner. Same man. Same dark, gloomy kind of night. He was probably smoking the same cigarette brand too - The one he also smoked that night, when they were talking in that club Wooyoung insisted on taking them. But everything was different this time.

Not only he was noticed by the mysterious man who spent the last months wandering through his dreams, in those nights when his mind was so tired he wasn’t able to hide the deepest thoughts from himself, but he also knew him. Was known by him.

“Seonghwa?” He called back, feeling a little stupid “Hmmm, I mean. Hi?”

Now more than ever, he felt like his mind was dazzled and like his words sounded more like a question and less like a greeting. It has been four days, or maybe even more, since the last time he actually communicated with someone in person. Except for phone calls with Yunho or Mingi, he didn’t really remember the last time he spoke to someone, and that was the only excuse he could find for not being able to say anything else.

Hongjoong hated taking vacations. He hated not being booked with stuff to do, hated the way he wasn’t actually able to keep track of time when he wasn’t being drowned by deadlines and essays to finish. That, and the fact that he didn’t have anywhere else to go except his own little apartment, made everything so depressed he wanted to scream with his own furniture sometimes.

When he decided to take a walk, he wasn’t looking for anything specific. Maybe just to be alone with himself without feeling like his mind was falling apart. Maybe to look for some kind of objective - some kind of inspiration to spend the next few days waiting for actual tasks that would take him somewhere.

Maybe he just wanted to take a walk.

Hongjoong liked to make things deeper than it actually was, sometimes. It was both a gift as a creator and a burden as a human being. 

“Hello, you” Seonghwa greeted him with a smirk, like he thought his confusion was actually funny “How are you doing?”

“You know” Shrugging his shoulders, Hongjoong did his best to come back to his playful self, coming closer and pretending like he was going to share a big secret “Living the best neighborhood life, sneaking into my neighbor’s garden to play with their dogs. Just the usual. And you?”

Smiling, Seonghwa decided to play along “I heard Miss Jung is planning on adopting a Hotwhiller, though. You should be more careful.”

“So you know Miss Jung” Surprised, Hongjoong raised an eyebrow. For what he remembered hearing from Wooyoung, he thought Seonghwa shared an apartment with Yeosang in some other side of the town “Do you live nearby?”

Seonghwa shook his head, avoiding to look Hongjoong in the eyes while reaching for his pocket and taking a cigarette out. He lighted it up and took a drag from it, closing his eyes and raising his head, exposing his neck and chin.

Hongjoong couldn’t help but follow his every move. Couldn’t help but stare while his hands took the cigarette to his mouth and how his eyes seemed to shut themselves unconsciously, almost as if that was a religious act for him. Feeling ashamed, Hongjoong couldn’t stop staring at his exposed neck, and when he finally came back to his senses, he felt his whole body shiver and his hands start to itch.

Being caught by his own self, Hongjoong felt uncomfortable and desperate to change the subject of his attention. Trying to make Seonghwa come out of his contemplative state, he said the first thing that crossed his mind:

"You sure smoke a lot." 

He wondered if Seonghwa carried his cigarettes whenever he went. His hand reached for the tiny piece of chalk he kept inside his pocket, thinking of it as his own cigarette. An urge to put himself into movement suddenly took over and he started to look around, finding himself a clean spot on the sidewalk, sitting there and giving the space on his side a few taps, inviting Seonghwa to join him.

The man standing seemed to be against the idea for two or three seconds before letting his curiosity take the best of him, sitting next to the small man who was smiling amusedly waiting to get into action.

Hongjoong took a careful look at Seonghwa, contemplating. His long hair, covering his eyes just like that first night, made him look tired. Oldish. Sad. Like those days when Hongjoong spent the whole day working on some new project and he came to the point where he was so exhausted he gave up on pushing his hair back and just let it fall like that. 

The first thing he drew on the grey pavement was his lips. 

While letting his mind and fingers travel on the rusky ground, he let his memories and thoughts flow through his mind - Knowing that the mysterious man from that night was Seonghwa… Hongjoong couldn't say he was surprised. But at the same time, he couldn't say he expected this as well.

That night, when they talked for the first time, he felt something strangely familiar about the boy's appearance - Back then, he thought that maybe the idea of the man he saw that night was too fresh in his mind. Or maybe he was just too desperate to prove to himself that what happened that night wasn’t another one of his daydreams - That it wasn’t just another creation of his. Maybe he was desperate enough to believe that he wasn’t losing his mind and that man could just be any random guy at any random party.

It wouldn't be the first time Hongjoong's mind plays tricks on him.

But it wouldn't be the first time his gut got it right too.

Sometimes, Hongjoong would take another look at Seonghwa, trying to take all the details in his face but always avoiding his eyes. He knew the oldest was looking at him as well, watching him and his fingers closely and sometimes taking another drag from his cigarette.

“Do you often get out of your own home late at night to draw other people’s faces on the pavement?" Seonghwa asked in a slightly impressed tone when Hongjoong finally put the piece of chalk back into his pocket and started to clean his hands in his pants. The older one’s fingers wandered over his own face scribbled in the streets, being extra careful while trying not to touch and ruin it. 

"You’re actually the first one to get this honour" The musician closed his eyes for a second, feeling the cold air on his face and thinking about his answer "I was just looking for… Something. Art, I guess."

He said simply, thinking about how badly he wanted to open up. How badly he wanted someone, anyone, to know how empty he was feeling inside - How desperate he was to make himself feel something. But he knew things weren’t that simple, that wanting to be honest wasn’t the only thing needed to make it possible. He was barely able to confess his real reasons to himself, imagine talking about it with someone else. Even if that someone was Seonghwa, the strange man that haunted his imagination. The mysterious man that made him feel as inspired as never before. The beautiful man from that night club that, months later, he randomly found in a dark alley again.

Hongjoong didn’t want to admit to anyone how lost he truly felt. Above anything else, he didn’t want to admit how much he missed his family. How much he wanted things to be different. How much he hated himself for regretting that night. How much he wanted to truly feel like he didn’t do anything wrong. Like he, as a person, wasn’t a mistake at all.

“You can look for that literally anywhere” Seonghwa answered “But a dark alley at night… It seems more dangerous than inspiring, from my point of view.”

The musician’s eyes widened in surprise. His mind was so messy that he had to think for two seconds before remembering that he was, indeed, in a dark alley late at night. He wanted to tell Seonghwa, just like he told Yunho a couple of months before, that he was being careful. That he was taking care of himself.

But he wasn’t sure if he was.

This night, just like that night when he saw Seonghwa without knowing who he actually was, he was desperate for inspiration. Desperate to create. Desperate to feel the rush of adrenaline that made him feel so alive. 

He wanted to focus, just like he did that night. He already spent half of his nights up, but he couldn’t recall when it was the last time he stayed up actually working on something. When was the last time he actually finished one of his personal projects.

He knew that admitting those feelings and struggles to himself was a part of the whole ‘getting better’ deal. That, to be able to get into action and correct himself, he needed to process his own pain and thoughts first. But it was something entirely different to admit this out loud to anyone but himself.

“Well” Hongjoong said lightly, trying to brighten the mood “It depends on who crosses your way. Art can’t be made without taking some risks here and there.”

“Hmmmm” Seonghwa hummed, taking another drag from his cigarette and pointing at the sketch in the street “And do you think this is the art you were looking for?”

Hongjoong turned his head to look Seonghwa in the eye. There was something there he couldn’t comprehend well - Something so deep and so strong that didn’t involve anyone besides Seonghwa himself. That was the main reason he tried to avoid it while drawing - That was something he would never be able to fully recreate. Something he thought that even in a few years, if they were still and touch and knew each other way better than they do, he wouldn’t be able to fully decode.

It felt like Seonghwa was trying to look for an answer.

Sometimes it felt like he was trying to give him one. 

Maybe it was both. 

“If I have to say it… I’d say you’re the art” Hongjoong replied with honesty “This is just something I’m trying to dumfully recreate.”

Nodding his head, Seonghwa remained silent for some minutes. Hongjoong wondered if he crossed the line, if he went too far this time, but Seonghwa’s eyes didn’t leave him even for a sec. It made the musician’s skin grow hotter and hotter from both embarrassment and… Something else. Something he wasn’t willing to admit for himself right now. He tried to ignore it as his head felt lighter than usual and that odd feeling of being the one observed made the red haired boy feel suddenly self conscious and so, so weirdly nervous. 

“If this ain’t it…” Seonghwa said in a curious tone “Do you know what you want to create?”

“I have absolutely no idea” Hongjoong said, feeling like crying and laughing at himself at the same time.

“I thought so,” Smiling, Seonghwa threw away the cigarette “You’re being too hard on yourself, though. Things should come to you easier if you give yourself more time.”

“The thing is… I don’t think I  _ ever _ know what I’m doing. I never did. I just go there and do it, and when I can’t do anything, I try to search for something.'' Trying to justify himself, Hongjoong felt like a spoiled child, used to having everything coming to him so easily.

“That’s some chaotic way of creating. And living.” Seonghwa commented, letting his shoulders relax and suddenly lying down on the sidewalk, looking at the stars. The view made Hongjoong’s heart twitch and tighten for a second “I can’t say I relate. Ever since I was a child, I’ve always liked organization. When I was 15 and started writing, I would spend days just writing down ideas and thinking about structures before I actually started writing anything at all.”

Hongjoong stayed quiet, trying to picture himself doing that same process. His mind went completely blank just thinking about what the first step to organize his life would be. 

“I think you need some of that” Seonghwa said “Your creative process seems… Messy. And kind of dangerous, if it keeps bringing you to dark alleys and weird places.”

“I guess so” Hongjoong muttered.

“Are you mad?” Seonghwa smirked, looking up at the boy who was still sitting. 

“Mad at myself, yes” The musician replied “I’m not good with that kind of stuff. I’m the guy who starts the project one day before, stays up all night and still manages to finish everything as perfectly as the clever guy who always starts everything earlier and finishes it smoothly. I don’t understand why I’m not being able to do that anymore.”

“You’re lucky,” Seonghwa said while reaching out for Hongjoong’s arm and pulling him closer, making him lay down next to him “I am. And since you drew me so nicely, I’ll help you to organize that messy mind of yours.”

Even though Seonghwa had already let go of Hongjoong’s arm, he could still feel his grip. His heart was still pounding, caught by surprise both from their closeness and by the sudden kindness he spotted in Seonghwa’s eyes. His feelings were as messy as his mind right now, and all of his nerves told him to say he could fix things by himself. To say he always fixed things by himself, so it was okay.

That’s why he didn’t understand why, when he was finally able to open his mouth, the only words that came out of it were “Are you free tomorrow?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long to update :( i've been going through some personal stuff so i didn't have the time to properly write it before. i hope you can enjoy it ♥
> 
> also, please notice that the number of chapters changed again... i decided that leaving it open was the best choice since i'm not enterily sure how many will be, but i promise it won't be more than 15! pinky promise!


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